Ahoy there mateys

Welcome indeed to THE ROCKALL TIMES. Until now, Web publications have struggled with an apparently insurmountable problem: how to deliver top-quality satire while simultaneously defending Britain's territorial demands over the North Sea volcanic outcrop of Rockall. Until now.

We at The Rockall Times recognise two critical facts: that in these troubled times the world needs laughter; and that in order to mount a viable long-term campaign against the Taliban, Britain herself needs all of the resources of the oil-rich Rockall plateau.

So, on with the merriment. Please note that due to a most welcome but rather premature mention in the Guardian Online section, you are currently viewing a beta version of this site. Improvements are ongoing, and we will be fully functioning by our original launch date of 26 November.

Sadly, this early launch has meant the cancellation of our star-studded inauguration party. The event, scheduled for the last weekend in November, boasted a jaw-dropping manifest of B-list celebrities, dotcom yuppies and hangers-on. Added to the disappointment felt by both ourselves and our media mates, we now have the challenge of what to do with 5,000 cocktail sausages and 300 tins of pineapple chunks.

Accordingly, we have decided to donate the entire stock to the Afghan refugees. After years of living off sheeps' testicles and boiled intestines, they'll probably welcome the change. We'll throw in a tin-opener, too.

And that's what we're all about – charity with a chuckle, satire with a smile, and diplomacy with a gunboat. Enjoy.