Bin Laden had drug-crazed sex romps with farmyard animals

Osama bin Laden is a drug-crazed sex addict who enjoys sex with animals while snorting cocaine through a National Lottery ticket from prostitutes' naked breasts, we can reveal.

The shock revelations, which will offend all true Muslims, come as pole-dancer Kelly LeBrook shared the Architect of Evil's dark secret with The Rockall Times.

Bearded bin Laden, the man without a shadow of a doubt behind the 11th September atrocities, has presented himself as a pious man fighting a just war against the outrages of capitalist democracy.

But before the Architect of Evil launched his satanic campaign from his stinking hole in the ground, he had no qualms about availing himself of every benefit of that democracy. In an amazing two-year orgy of excess, bin Laden scoured the seedy clubs of London's hinterland in search of alcohol, drugs and prostitutes.

And it was in one such club that he first met dancer Kelly LeBrook, at that time a wide-eyed 18-year-old virgin. Busty Kelly, now 26, said: "It was a sort of animal attraction, I suppose. I was pleasuring myself on a metal pole when our eyes met across the crowded room.

"I've always fancied men with beards," she admitted, "So when he offered to pay me money for sex, I jumped at the offer."

By the time the pair had completed the short minicab ride to bin Laden's motel, during which time Kelly admits that the pair "explored each others' bodies somewhat" the sexual tension had reached detonation point. "We didn't even make it to the bedroom. As soon as we got to the half-landing we started to rip each others' clothes off."

Kelly's excitement soon turned to disappointment however when bin Laden stripped off. "His manhood was no larger than a premature baby's little finger," she recalled. Unabashed, Bin Laden then produced a Rhode Island Red from his overnight bag and suggested a threesome.

"It was hilarious," says Kelly. "First the chicken pleasured Osama while I read a copy of Hello magazine. Then the chicken pleasured me while Osama pleasured himself with a pair of tweezers."

"Sex with the chicken was mind-blowing," she explained. "I felt totally satisfied as a woman."

It was only after 72 hours – with the occasional break for club sandwiches and millet – that bin Laden finally left. "He gave me some money for a cab, packed up his chicken and left," sobbed Kelly. "He said he'd call but he never did."

Experts have confirmed that bin Laden – as an enemy of Western democracy – is certain to have a minuscule penis and perverted sexual appetites. "Hitler certainly had two testicles before he invaded Poland," said one. "But as soon as war was declared that was reduced to just one. The other was never found, despite an extensive search of the Albert Hall."

A spokesman for the UK Ministry of Information today told The Rockall Times: "Bin Laden's depravity is an affront to all true Muslims. We hope that leaders of those nations supplying us with oil will be especially offended."