Blunkett blanket ban to weed out Bin Laden supporters

Home Secretary David Blunkett today announced a range of new measures aimed at uncovering supporters of Osama Bin Laden living in the UK.

From next week, police will be given new powers to stop and search any suspected extremists and require them to answer a series of trick questions about Osama Bin Laden and his Al-Queda terrorist network. Failure to provide the correct answers in a convincing and politely British way will entitle police to detain the suspect without representation under the Terrorism Act 2000.

"We have reason to suspect that a number of terrorist cells form the Al-Queda network are operating in the UK and these new laws will help us to identify them and bring them to justice," Blindgit told reporters. "That is why anyone that has a long beard or funny bits in their surnames like 'Al' or 'Bin' will be required to present themselves for questioning at a police station within the next three weeks."

Answering questions over a new offence of "Non-condemnation", that will carry a maximum sentence of four years, Blindgit rounded on his critics: "If there is a credible threat of a terrorist atrocity within the UK, I would be failing in my duty if I didn't tackle it as effectively as I could. Plus I'm the Home Secretary and I can do what I bloody well want."

The non-condemnation law will make it an offence for anyone not to agree with the government over matters of national security. A Home Office spokesman said there were currently no plans to ask Parliament about the legislation before it comes into force.

Herr Blunkett appeared annoyed when it was suggested the new measures were unfairly targeting Arabs: "Now look here, not all ragheads are bad people – in fact some of my best friends are Arabs. I see them as UK citizens first and Muslims second. The problem lies in the fact that many see it the other way round and that's why they will have to persuade the police that they are on our side."

The government is expected to introduce further measures in the forthcoming months as military activity in Afghanistan continues. One insider told us a Home Office internal email suggested they adopt an "If you can't beat em, join em" approach to the Taliban.

Measures thought to be under consideration include a new licensing scheme for butchers requiring them to report all purchases of lamb – a favourite food of Al-Queda supporters – weighing over one kilogram. The record industry is being consulted over plans to ban all musical instruments and tapes of recorded music and ITV is already in talks with the Home Office regarding the destruction of all television sets in the hope of preventing further corruption of society.

Fashion designer Stella McCartney is rumoured to be working on a burka-inspired catwalk show, funded by the government, in the hope of persuading young women of their greater suitability. And the computer industry is "looking favourably" on draft laws that will make possession of disks and CD-ROMs a criminal offence.

Meanwhile, the government is hoping to emulate the Taliban's financial success over the heroin trade through the sale of recently reclassified drug marijuana. Asked whether Mr Blunkett was planning to introduce new free-market legislation that would allow the government and government-backed bodies to grow marijuana and export it abroad, a source very close to the Home Secretary said: "Woof". Which we took to mean yes.

The Right Honourable Member for Athens and Greek Home Secretary between 621 and 594 BC, Mr Draco, said of the laws: "Mr Blunkett is on the right lines but hasn't gone far enough. During my time as Home Secretary, I introduced state-sanctioned killing for almost all criminal offences and permanent enslavement for debt. Perhaps it he wishes to keep the UK under control, he should consider a similar scheme."