Tear down all road signs, Blunkett tells Britain

Home Secretary David Blunkett has ordered all of Britain's 100,000,000 roadsigns torn down amid fears that they might aid invading Taliban armies. The plan is just one aspect of new measures ordered after Britain was officially put under a state of emergency this morning.

A spokesman for the Home Secretary said: "As long as we live under the very real threat of invasion it is imperative that we deny the enemy any military advantage."

A defence analyst today backed the emergency edict, noting: "Any aggressive incursion into Britain would be seriously hampered at every beach, in very field, at signless crossroads, and at every umarked junction."

Blunkett's emergency proclamation is not, however, without its very own "New Labour" benefit. "Every roadsign will be replaced with a braille equivalent," Blunkett's spokesman declared. "It's all part of our five-year plan to make Britain's road system more touchy-feely."

An Islamic specialist today told The Rockall Times: "Blunkett's strategy is a stroke of genius. The Taliban have neglected braille studies in recent years, preferring instead to simply execute blind people. Their chances of finding their way from Channel invasion ports to London would be practically zero."

Meanwhile, the MOD has refused to confirm rumours that it is training crack suicide squads of guide dogs for the blind to run at Taliban armour and detonate explosive charges strapped to their bodies.