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Landlord answers centuries-old riddle

Locals at the Rose & Crown in Fareham today were delighted last night when landlord John Bull answered a riddle that has been puzzling beer drinkers for over four centuries.

Regular Bill Sharply was heard to ask at 11.21pm: "Ere John, how comes is it that you welcome me into the pub with open arms but after I've spent a load money and got comfortable, you get all feisty and kick me out?"

The question has a strong historical basis with scholars noting that the first recorded complaint of being kicked out of a pub at closing time was in 1606AD, when King James was on the throne and the Catholic church made a habit of burning people for saying the Earth wasn't the centre of the universe.

However, in a 400-year-old break with tradition, John Bull failed to simply ignore Bill and responded with the perfectly fair reply: "Well, because I need your money to survive. So I welcome you into my home and hope you'll spend some money on beer. However, when it reaches eleven you are a bit pissed, and I'm not, so you start getting a bit irritating and I want to get you out so I can get some sleep. I only ever get feisty with you when you argue which means you're pissed. The only way to get you out when you're like that is to be rude and because you're pissed you don't really remember what I said the next day anyway."

Locals were stunned by Bill's outburst, although few could remember exactly what he said in the morning. He refused to answer questions about it at lunchtime today, when we turned up at the Rose & Crown for a couple of swifties, saying only that he was tired the night before because he and his missus, Tracey, had had a barney an hour before the evening rush.

Not everyone is pleased with Mr Bull's frank admission however. The Association of British Pub Landlords had tabled a motion at their next meeting to bar Mr Bull forever for "disclosing highly confidential and privileged information". If successful, the bar would mean Mr Bull would have to travel to France if he wanted to run his own pub – the licensed victualer's equivalent of the Russian front.

A spokesman for the Association said: "What Mr Bull has done is destroy the sanctity of the landlording tradition. He is dishonouring over a thousand years of beer supply."

However there are suggestions that Mr Bull's actions will encourage a younger breed of landlords to come forward and explain trade secrets like: how, historically, landlords have persuaded people to hand over so much money for what is basically just a load of hops; what criteria both landlords and punters have to meet before being allowed to partake in a lock-in; what level they've set the fruit machine payout percentage at; and how to tell when a barmaid is just being flirtatious and when you can get away with giving her one.

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