The greater the money, the less the funny

Okay, let's get this one out of the way: We will not be as funny in five years' time.

We have decided to announce this fact now for the following two reasons:

• To save you, the reader, the trouble of sitting around bemoaning the fact when you could be out in the prodding ants' nests with a stick
• To relieve us of the burden of pretending to still be funny when we're really just trying to flog the last cash from a dead horse, as it were

And if you don't believe it, then have a look at this revealing graph, courtesy of our statistics department:

Fascinating stuff. Our analysis is, however, old news to those with media savvy. Experts agree that as a funny idea is exploited for financial gain, its very success sucks the funniness out of it. Imagine a thristy man drinking orange juice with a straw. As he drinks his thirst is quenched. But beware – very soon the glass is empty.

Naturally, he can refill his glass and continue to drink. But will the second glass be as tasty as the first? No. Eventually he will tire of orange juice and move on to diet Coke. After several hours he will have to go to the lavatory. All of the orange juice and diet Coke will thus be ultimately returned to the earth from whence it sprang.

Day, years, or even decades later, the man will die and it will all have been for nothing.