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Fergie rages at Turner prize

Manchester United coach Sir Alex Ferguson last night rocked the art establishment to its foundations by branding this year's Turner prize nominations as "utter bollocks."

In a shocking ten-minute barrage of invective, Fergie DISMISSED Mike Nelson's mixed media work The Coral Reef 2000 as "a bag of shite", SAVAGED Richard Billingham's video Liz Smoking, calling it "little better than a Victoria Beckham video," and ANNIHILATED Martin Creed's "controversial" masterwork with: "Only David Beckham could earn £20,000 by turning a light on and off."

Manchester United insiders are said to be gobsmacked by the outburst. One told The Rockall Times: "I'm amazed he found the time, to be honest. Most of Sir Alex's busy schedule is taken up with getting angry with referees, the players, the PFA or the Board. Besides, he usually leaves ill-informed opinions on subjects about which he has no knowledge to Bono or Sting."

Sir Alex is unrepentant: "Whoever wins, it will be an absolute disaster for us at this stage of the season. It's decisions like this that can cost a club the Premiership or qualification for Europe," he fumed.

Bono and Sting were, surprisingly, unavailable today to comment on any subject whatsoever.

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