I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

US celebrities flock to jet travel rehab program

While much of the US is still in shock following the attack on the World Trade Center, it's very much "business as usual" for one private clinic.

The Florida-based Celebrity Trauma Center specialises in treating the Hollywood elite for what is called "Post aggression translocation disorder". The center's director Jeffrey Jefferson explained: "In layman's terms this is a violent reaction to any event which is seen as a potential cause of death, however remote the possibility. The condition usually manifests itself in a morbid fear of travelling in jet aircraft. In extreme cases this might extend to automobiles. Some celebrities refuse even to walk, preferring to stay in bed surrounded by armed guards."

Experts say the disorder can strike even the most apparently robust. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis are reported to have succumbed within minutes of the events of September 11, cancelling all engagements involving air travel. One Hollywood insider told The Rockall Times: "Bruce has been hiding behind the sofa for weeks. He has curled himself into a ball and is subsisting on pureed banana, spoon fed to him by his Tae-Kwon-Do instructor."

The claim was angrily refuted by Willis's agent, who insisted: "This is a complete fabrication. The idea that the man who threw himself onto the wing of a moving 747 in Die Hard II would be too scared to board an aircraft is absurd. The fact is that Bruce injured a wrist during a bare-knuckle boxing match. Doctors have ordered complete rest, and have told him that even the strain of handing over a ticket at the check-in could end his career."

Nevertheless, the Celebrity Trauma Center - whose headquarters includes a full printing press capable of producing mocked-up front pages of over 100 international newspapers and magazines - says that it is "fully booked for the next two years," adding "we haven't been this busy since the Gulf war".

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Society’ index page