Mayor cuts ribbon on Lady Di memorial underpass

Our artist's impression of what we believe temp secretaries may have seen yesterday

The Mayor and municipal council officials yesterday joined Sir Elton John and thousands of sobbing, flower-bearing temp secretaries at the inauguration of the new Lady Diana memorial underpass in Tixover, Rutland.

The £17 million structure - the opening of which marks the completion of the £254 million "Queen of Hearts" bypass and is 288 miles from Paris - was described by the Mayor as "a fitting tribute" to the sainted Princess of Wales.

The underpass features cutting-edge road management systems, including electronic signposts and an impressive array of speed cameras. The builders have also incorporated extensive parking facilities to cater for the thousands who are expected to come and lay wreaths at the site.

A teary-eyed council official told The Rockall Times: "We simply wanted to pay our own humble tribute to the woman who touched the lives of hundreds of billions of ordinary people."

Janet Smith, a filing clerk from Basildon, told us: "I've been queuing here for eleven months to sign the book of remembrance. It's what she would have wanted."

The moving ceremony concluded with Sir Elton John's emotional rendition of the theme tune to the Government's new road safety campaign "Kill your speed, not a Princess".