Afghan divorce rate soars

While the West continues to celebrate the Afghanis' freedom for them, things at home have taken a decidedly nasty turn, as demonstrated in the latest divorce figures from Kabul Civic Centre.

Cases of filed divorce have risen 2,000 per cent in less than a week since "Northern Alliance" troops liberated the city from the ruling Taliban regime. Since 14 November - the day Kabul was captured - there have been an incredible 342 petitions for divorce. In the month of October (traditionally a busy month for divorce thanks to Ramadan), there were just 16 cases.

Ironically, it is believed this enormous increase is thanks to the greater freedom enjoyed under the city's new proprieters. While men only take advantage of the opportunity to shave their beards when offered large sums of money by Western television crews, the women of Afghanistan have been joyously removing their veils from the traditional burka so they can see better.

While this has cut down the incidence of concussion among Afghani women, it has had a stronger negative effect. The women's husbands have noticed that, well, how do you say this, that their wives have been letting themselves go a bit.

When freedom fights oppression and oppression wins

One divorce filing spells out the extend of the problem: "Reason for divorce: The slender beautiful woman that was my wife now resembles an overweight sow. My goats are more alluring." Another claims misrepresentation: "I do not believe my wife is that same woman I married. On our wedding day four years ago she had no facial hair and all her teeth."

Doctor of Women's Studies at the University of Heart, Dr Abu Dabbu told The Rockall Times: "It is hardly surprising that many of the women have stop concentrating on their aesthetic outer beauty. Since they have been forced to cover their entire bodies with the burkas, women have made themselves more attractive to potential husbands by strengthening their arm and neck muscles so they can carry more ordnance and by generally building up stamina for long hill climbs."

As for the chronic obesity and dental disasters that are for the first time becoming apparent, Dr Dabbu explained: "Afghan women have been banned from learning anything but domestic tasks for the last eight years. This, combined with a female's natural propensity to fight oppression with sweet food, has caused a level of cake and chocolate consumption only ever seen in specific parts of the USA."

What's more worrying however is that the high divorce rate may affect political stability in the area. Tribal leaders are believed to be only getting one-handed relief and this, an expert told us, is insufficient release for a high-level political meeting. Tension has been building within the city's council as the leaders grow more frustrated.

The US Senate yesterday approved emergency air drops of Clinique make-up and Chanel No.5 body lotion. It is hoped that combined with instructions on use, written in five different languages including Turkish, the women might make the best of a bad job.