West perfects propaganda superbomb

The Western allies have developed a lethal propaganda "superbomb," we can reveal.

Secret plans obtained by The Rockall Times show a device of devastating potency intended to numb the critical faculties of its victims and leave them defenceless against a barrage of black propaganda, hysteria, speculation and ill-informed TV punditry.

The terrifying weapon has been compared to the neutron bomb

The bomb - nicknamed "The Bogeyman" - packs a lethal cocktail of mass media into a container no bigger than a domestic dustbin. Once detonated, people in the blast area quickly succumb to the effects of the weapon. These include:

• Ground zero: Anyone caught at the epicentre of the detonation instantly loses all critical faculties. The US and Britain become shining beacons of democracy justified in pursuing the war against terror by any means necessary - including terror. Victims immediately demand the use of nuclear weapons against anyone wearing a turban, and may hurl abuse at or assault Sikh corner-shop owners.
• Up to 12 miles: The part of the victim's brain dedicated to remembering historical facts is directly affected by the blast. So, while those unaffected may, say, remember clearly that the CIA armed and trained Osama bin Laden and the Taliban to fight the Soviet Union, victims have no recollection whatsoever of this.
• Up to 20 miles: Although people in this area may still be capable of independent thought after detonation, a follow-up attack of relentless news coverage backed with wave upon wave of mindlessly speculating TV pundits will force them to succumb within 24 to 48 hours. Failing this, the superbomb contains thousands of "spin bomblets", each one packed with a government pearl of wisdom as to "why we're fighting this war" etc, etc. The bomblets can bring waverers into line over an area the size of 4,300 football pitches.
• Up to 30 miles: This far from the epicentre, the effects of the bomb may be mild. However, even those attempting to protect themselves and their families by cancelling the papers, turning off the TV and hiding in the shed will find that they are increasingly irritated by heavily bearded people.

A defence expert told The Rockall Times: "The West has been attempting to perfect this weapon for some years. Its effects are similar to the banned neutron bomb - which killed people and left buildings standing - except that it leaves both buildings and people standing. Only their intellects are destroyed, which they don't really need in a liberal democracy."