Bin Laden Highbury ban prompts despot crackdown

Taliban morale has collapsed on news that fanatical gooner Osama bin Laden has been banned from Arsenal's home ground of Highbury.

Hopes among Taliban soliders that they might resist opposition forces have diminished along with the prospect of the regime's leaders watching Arsenal reach the knockout stage in the Champion's League.

In the wake of the ban, other football clubs have moved to ensure that notorious despots will not make it through the turnstiles.

There's no place in the modern game for recipe-swapping in the Norwich City director's box between Idi Amin and Delia Smith, the club has confirmed.

Mansfield Town has announced that Charles Manson, or any other member of the Mason family (including Marilyn Manson), will not be welcome if they turn up at Quarry Lane. "The last time he [Manson] came to a home match, he picked a fight with the mascot," a spokesman said. "It was a bloodbath."

August Pinochet has been excluded by Plymouth Argyle and Myra Hindley can forget any hopes of she might have of seeing Halifax Town play live.

Meanwhile, The Rockall Times has obtained a full list of proscribed madmen, which includes:

• Pol Pot (Gillingham)
• David Koresh (Sunderland)
• Emperor Jean-Bédel Bokassa (Rotherham)
• Joseph Mengele (Dover FC)

A spokesman for the FA today endorsed the clubs' actions, noting: "Teams didn't spend huge sums converting to family-friendly all-seater stadiums simply to have them filled with genocidal dictators, homosexual mass murderers and messianic psychopaths."