Whitehouse death heralds flood of TV filth

Television watchdogs are tonight warning of an unprecedented flood of pornography, violence and foul language following the death of crusader Mary Whitehouse.

Whitehouse had, as head of the National Viewers' and Listeners' Association, dedicated her life to fighting what she saw as the degeneration of television into the black pit of sex, swearing and violence.

There are now real fears among fellow campaigners that following Whitehouse's death at the age of 91, TV companies will at last feel it safe to broadcast more "mature interest" material.

A TV insider told The Rockall Times: "Now that Whitehouse has, sadly, passed away, many broadcasters will be dusting off projects that were previously unthinkable."

Channel 4 is thought to be particularly excited at the prospect of its new-found freedom. "The company caused a shit-storm some years back by broadcasting Derek Jarman's Sebastiane," said an expert. "Even then they had to cut various scenes, including that featuring an erect penis. It all seems a bit tame by today's standards."

Indeed, we have obtained a Channel 4 "wish list" which reveals that producers are planning to unleash an apocalyptic deluge of hard-core pornography, four-letter words and graphic violence. Projects under consideration include:

• Paedophile Pet Rescue - Convicted kiddy-fiddlers are offered the chance to have their names removed from the sex offenders' register by being nice to distressed small animals. Keith Chegwin presents.
• Nigella sucks - Sultry chefette Nigella Lawson offers tips on avoiding domestic culinary disasters while orally pleasuring a number of well-endowed young men.
• Penetration Island - A number of female volunteers are flown to an exotic tropical island where they are gang-banged by a team of 50 unemployed farm labourers. Each week the woman with the least penetrations and the man with the least ejaculations are voted off the island at a torch-lit tribal gathering. The last remaining couple win a three-month contract in Emmerdale Farm.
• Cun*tdown - Richard Whitely and Carol Vorderman front this celebrity swearing word game. Gordon Ramsey guests.

Meanwhile, advertisers have yet to confirm that they will follow suit with a new range of raunchy commercials. "While the idea of Nicole and Papa involved in incestuous mutual masturbation might do wonders for car sales," noted one analyst, "it's unlikely that the Advertising Standards Authority will find it quite as attractive".