Liverpool back on top of world self-pity superleague

Liverpool is today back on top of the World Self-pity Superleague following the death of former Beatle George Harrison.

Thousands of sobbing scousers have gathered at Penny Lane and Strawberry Fields to pay homage to Harrison and quietly relish once again being the centre of international attention.

Liverpool had already threatened to regain the title earlier in the week through the move of football hero Robbie Fowler to rival Premiership club Leeds. But it was the famous musician's death by cancer that ensured New York City's 11-week stint at the top was ended.

One shell-suited scally explained: "After the Hillsborough disaster, we though we had the league sewn up. Then came September 11th. Things have been pretty bad since then. It's only our legendary sense of humour that's kept us going."

The controversial result has been confirmed by leading psychiatrists. One told us: "What Cockneys, for example, don't understand is that any tragedy befalling Liverpool is likely to have a impact ten times greater than a tragedy of equal importance occurring elsewhere. So while other major cities might eventually recover from disaster - even to the point of talking about something else entirely - Merseyside will continue to wallow in self-indulgent whining for years afterwards."

And there are signs tonight that Liverpool intends to consolidate its grip on the league with a tearful round of memorial services, tribute concerts and TV homages to Harrison. At the town hall, queues to sign the book of remembrance already stretch eleven miles. "We'll have to put up with this for bloody years," sighed an onlooker.