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Rift Valley benders — the missing kink?

Leading evolutionary scientists have claimed homosexuality may have been to key to our ancestors' survival. The sensational statement, which has angered leading church figures, will doubtless fuel the heated debate as to how exactly a small group of apes stood erect and walked out of Africa's Rift Valley.

Dr Addison Wheatley, of London's Centre for the Promotion of a Gay Evolution told The Rockall Times: "We believe that homosexual tendencies developed in times of famine during which the birth of infants would have placed intolerable strain on tribal resources. It's perfectly reasonable to suggest that our ancestors indulged in frantic homosexual activity in order to provide a safety valve for pent-up desires which might otherwise have led to internal strife."

The doctor further suggests that during subsequent times of plenty, one or two of the group would have refused to desist from the emergency measures. It's from these individuals that all today's homosexuals evolved.

The church has reacted with predictable anger at the prospect. One regular church-goer stated: "To suggest that homosexuality is something natural is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. The idea that some prancing Neanderthal hairdresser had a key input into the future of mankind is obscene. In any case, this is academic. The Theory of Evolution is the work of the Devil. It is a scientifically proven fact that God created the world and everything in."

When pressed as to whether this included homosexuals, our interviewee seemed less confident, however: "Er, no, they're the spawn of Satan," he mumbled. "As are Charles Darwin and Jonathan King."

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