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Madonna and Ritchie plan musical gangster blockbuster

Leading Cockney songstress Madonna is to star in a musical gangster epic directed by husband Guy Ritchie, we can reveal.

The project, entitled Gawd bless yer Guvnor, will feature the talented actress as a wretched street urchin who is transformed into an international superstar by a public-school educated film director masquerading as an East-End wideboy.

Sources close to the couple have confirmed that the plot is based loosely on Pygmalion, although one friend was quick to stress that it will be given the "Ritchie touch". "It'll be fantastic," said one friend. "It'll have loads and loads of right geezers, shooters, motors, bent coppers and dancing chimney sweeps. Oh, and Bob Hoskins. Madge is wetting herself with excitement."

Incredibly, Dick Van Dyke will star as Madonna's elocution coach, although with filming due to start the day after his 77th birthday, he has been deemed too fragile to do some of the armed robbery scenes. Instead, modern technology will take over where bone and sinew have failed. "Guy has said that he will digitally recreate Dick for the film," gasped one of the production team. "It'll be sensational. After all, when it comes to Cockney, Van Dyke wrote the book."

The Rockall Times has obtained a first draft of the script which shows the breathtaking scope of the film's ambitions. An extract is printed here for the first time.

Ext. Day. A fog-shrouded London Bridge. A thronging mass of Hackney carriages, cackling drunken prostitutes and Coldstream Guardsmen mingle with a musical melange of chirpy hurdy-gurdy men and melodious street vendors. Outside a rose-clad timber-framed cottage sits MADONNA dressed as Eliza Dolittle. She is selling fruit from a basket, closely observed by VINNIE JONES dressed as Fagin and LEONARDO DICAPRIO as the Artful Dodger

VINNIE: Well, my dear, now here's a juicy raspberry ripe for the plucking.
DODGER: Cor blimey!
MADONNA: Raspberries, raspberries, who will suck my red raspberries?
VINNIE: Lovely jubbly, my dear. How much for a butcher's at your raspberries?
MADONNA: Lawks a mercy, Mr Fagin Sir. I already told yer that I ain't seen no diamonds, and I ain't seen Jimmy the Ponce neither. Why doncha go speak to Eric the Red down Wapping Wall - he'll tell yer.
DODGER: Can I cut the preposterous strumpet Fagin? Can I?
MADONNA: Oh sweet mercy! And me just an orphaned raspberry girl...

Enter GUY RITCHIE dressed as Henry VIII

RITCHIE: Unhand her, sir. Unhand her I say or by the love of all that's holy I shall strike you down.
VINNIE: Fie sirrah! You're having a laugh, aincha? You want some?
RITCHIE: By Saint George and the Lord Harry, I'm the fuc*king Daddy now!

RITCHIE rummages manfully in his cod piece, and whips out a slightly sweaty .38 snubnose revolver.

VINNIE: He's packing! Leg it Dodger!

MADONNA and RITCHIE embrace, to the evident delight of the assembled crowd of over-excited chimney sweeps.

RITCHIE: I say, what delicious raspberries you have.
MADONNA: Ooooh, Gawd bless yer Guvnor!
RITCHIE: By George, I think she's got it!

The street erupts into a Lionel Bart interpretation of "Like a Virgin". Cue cavorting waiters bearing trays and jostling scrum of OK! photographers etc, etc. VINNIE and DODGER walk disconsolately into the sunset.

DODGER: Pulling out a pack of Piccadilly Fag guv?
VINNIE: Shut it.

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