Ruth was first casualty of war: Pentagon

In a new spirit of openness, the Pentagon confirmed yesterday that notorious Taliban and Al-Queda warlord Bin Omar - codenamed Ruth - was the first to be taken out by US super special forces the day after the 11 September attacks. Omar, officials said, was the left-hand man of Architect of Evil™ Osama bin Laden as were his sons and his sons' sons.

At the press conference - called in response to critical reports over the weekend that the Pentagon and CIA have been misinforming the public - a spokesman used his first words to convey the new sense of honesty. "Ruth is the first casualty of war, and so we are here today to try to fix that problem. War is tough and sometimes the realities are hard to stomach, but we believe that the Great American Public is ready to hear them."

The first question asked suggested there was an error in the opening sentence of the conference. After re-reading the line, the spokesman confirmed there was. "I'm sorry, I meant to say Ruth was the first casualty of this war. Next."

Quizzed over Ruth's exact identity, the spokesman glanced at his superior seeking authority to reveal the evil killer's identity. A shake of the head was all that was required before the Pentagon revealed the depth of its intelligence over Afghanistan.

Ruth was the codename given to Al-Queda frontman, left-hand man of Osama bin Laden and member of the evil Taliban regime, Bin Omar. Omar, the Pentagon informed us, had been under observation for three years before the 11 September attacks but thanks to liberal laws about spying and arrest, the authorities had been powerless to intervene.

Omar was an essential element of the Al-Queda terrorist network, training would-be terrorists in guns, explosives, flying planes and making and disseminating anthrax. He was renowned for his brutal but effective method of feeding recruits' minds with anti-American rubbish about its foreign policy, continued illegal bombing of Iraq and unjustified military support of a murderous regime in Israel.

Federal agents kept watch on Omar as he moved large sums of money to American and British banks in order to keep his secret cells in both countries stocked with cash which they could use in their own depraved and twisted way. He was also spied purchasing nuclear weapons directly from Saddam Hussein, outside the spawn of Satan's presidential palace - itself built on the proceeds of his undertaking, drug and pimping businesses.

As a member of the Taliban, Omar had also turned overnight from a responsible guardian of Afghanistan during the war with the Russians to a crazed murderer. He was also instrumental in pushing back the peace-loving good citizens of the other tribes into the north of the country.

Bin Omar was a fanatical and strict Muslim but at the same time had hundreds of women, men, little boys and animals locked up in foul-smelling dungeons to use as sex holes for his depraved needs. He was mad as well as being an evil genius.

While most of his supporters died only recently when they effected a jail break by standing in the corner of a fort, Omar was killed on 12 September by a crack squad of US special forces using hi-tech equipment and flown in a stealth helicopter to his desert camp in the dead of night. Eighty-nine Taliban/Al-Queda murderers were killed although one US marine received a nasty cut to his hand.

The special forces had to work fast because Omar was known to have told his supporters they should kill him if there was any risk of being captured. However, one member of the forces stole into his bedroom and was just about to put handcuffs around him when Omar awoke, pulled out a hidden gun and gave the trooper no option but to shoot him 35 times.

The crack squad then quickly painted a detailed mural of the Twin Towers covering Omar's entire wall and featuring NYC firefighters, Ruddie Giuliani, the White House, Mickey Mouse, a giant hamburger and Demi Moore in a skimpy combat outfit, before leaving as silently as they arrived.