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Sharon/Arafat sign peace agreement

Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat signed an historic peace accord today, bringing an end to decades of violence in the Middle East and leading many historians to argue we now live in the most stable period of time since the middle of the Roman Empire.

Under the terms of the agreement, Israel has formally recognised the Palestinians' claim to parts of the region and set up three main homelands, connected to one another with newly built roads that occupy a political no-man's land.

In return for the settlement, Israel has gained confirmation from all main terrorist groups in the region, including Hamas, that they will not seek to injure Israelis in future. The Lebanese, Syrian, Egyptian and Jordanian governments have also dropped any claims against Israeli territory. Jerusalem will be henceforth exist as an autonomous region, overseen by a council chosen from the various parties and faiths that have an interest in the holy city.

The peace agreement - seemingly impossible just months ago - was finally brokered by the ghost of stand-up comedian Bill Hicks, who stood in after modest rock star Bono failed to break the impasse despite giving two charity concerts.

During the secretive meetings, in which only the comedian, two leaders and an interpreter were present, Mr Hicks is said to have persuaded the previously pig-headed and murderous Israeli prime minister that the only solution to the problem was understanding and love. He is said to have persuaded the previously pig-headed and murderous Palestinian leader of the same.

Diplomats have revealed the turning point came when Mr Sharon recognised that shooting missiles into the buildings of leading activists hours after there was any loss of life within Israel was, in the long run, counterproductive and created an unhelpful spiral of violence.

In response, Mr Arafat agreed to recognise Mr Sharon's upset when members of Mr Arafat's own race blew themselves up in busy town centres and killed innocent women and children. He promised to deal with those who killed innocent Israelis as if they were murderers of his own people.

Mr Sharon agreed that the use of advanced technology and weapons, together with the support of the United States, was bound to cause resentment with infinitely poorer Palestinians. He agreed to lend the new Palestinian government $4 billion to build up its infrastructure and create a series of first-rate new schools that would include children from every sector of the region's society. "Only by getting our children to know one another can we hope to continue this peace in the future," he said shortly after signing the deal.

Mr Arafat welcomed Mr Sharon's warm words and both parties apologised to the other for the deaths of all innocent civilians since 1948. Both leaders then used a meeting of world leaders - held to celebrate the peace accord - to remind World Statesman™ Tony Blair that it was all fault of the British in the first place. President George W Bush was also asked kindly but firmly to keep his nose out of other people's business in future. A snide comment made by the Italian premier about Judea was ignored.

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