Why, why, why, Winona?

Winona Ryder was arrested last week by Beverley Hills cops and has been charged with a raft of "serious offences", we can reveal. These include "impersonating an actress", "swanning about" and "failure to hold down a long-term relationship".

It is understood that Ryder, 30, was arrested by cops in an exclusive Beverley Hills store after security staff found that she had a film script concealed in her bag. She was taken downtown, cautioned and then released on bail. Police are considering whether or not to charge her.

An officer noted: "You'd think that someone with as much money as Ms Ryder would not need to continue with the pretence of being a serious thespian. Let's face it, she's as wooden as an Amish barn. An Amish barn with great tits, I'll admit, but we've got a gatepost out back that could turn in a better performance."

Ryder's fans have reacted with shock and anger at the arrest. "She's one of the most accomplished actresses of her generation," sobbed one.

Indeed, in 1994 Ryder was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for The Age of Innocence. And in 1995, she was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress for her work in Little Women.

This cuts little ice with the Beverly Hills Police Department. "Yeah right," sneered a desk sergeant. "Let's get one thing straight. I've seen Alien: Resurrection. And if the judge has seen it, she's gonna do some hard, hard time."