Woman has baby

I was recently called, rather inconveniently, into the editors' office here at The Rockall Times. There I was asked to account for what I believe is nowadays called my "workflow" — a word as repellent as the very idea that a true artist should be called to participate is some form of odious "time and motion" analysis.

Indeed, I wondered out loud, did Michelangelo suffer the persecutions of little men with clipboards while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I think not. No matter, said my editors, for that great artist knew not the meaning of the news deadline.

And so it was that I was dispatched unceremoniously to the local hospital to report on what I understand is now commonly known as "a birthing event", viz. the addition of another hungry mouth to this world already heaving with the mewling offspring of the malodorous proletariat.

I did, however, amid the smell of carbolic soap and afterbirth pause to reflect on my own triumphant entry into the world — an entry so pregnant with significance that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for the reader to comprehend.

For I was born on a wild and stormy December night, the air itself full of omens and portents. It is recorded that, at the exact moment at which I exited my mother's womb, all of the beasts of the field and birds of the air who had gathered to witness the event, fell strangely silent.

Neither my dear mother nor the attendant midwife were oblivious as to the meaning of this. Sadly, my dear Mama died within minutes of the birth, but not without knowing that she had expended all of her life force in creating a being of extraordinary potency.

To this day my father is given to telling — over brandy and cigars — as to how the entire population of the nearby village came to my crib bearing gifts and homage. To this day, the villagers mark the anniversary of my birth in gay revelry, concluding the proceedings with a torchlit procession to the village green where a wicker effigy of myself is ritually burned by way of celebration.

The baby born this time, at a hospital in Central London, weighed 7lb 5oz at birth. Her parents have called her Sharon, or Sarah, or some other simple Anglo-Saxon name beginning with "S". Both mother — who is a television actress said to be currently in vogue — and child are said to be well.

Previous masterpieces from Sikorski

Council unveils bench

Vicar opens fete