Xmas diary of a Rock Star

While the rest of us are tucking into the Turkey and stuffing this Xmas, U2 frontman Bono will be tirelessly jetting the world in a desperate bid to set the world to rights in time for 2002.

For long gone are the days when the limits of rock stars' pompous self-delusion extended merely to the belief that they could act. Indeed, millennial musicians are now convinced that their talents extend to advising world leaders on how better to manage their affairs for the greater benefit of mankind.

And it is an accepted fact that no regime can consider itself a legitimate member of the family of nations unless it has received a stern lecture from roving pundit Bono. There's so much to do, so little time, as his punishing Xmas schedule reveals:

• Monday: Working power breakfast with the Dalai Lama. Video conference call with Chinese Prime Minister Zhu Rongji to discuss terms for Tibetan independence. Lear Jet to Argentina, where Bono calms tensions between government and rioters and presents a five-point plan for economic recovery. Drinks in London's Met Bar with Madonna. Brokers deal between her and her builders.
• Tuesday: Bono grants Pope a personal audience. Successfully lobbies Supreme Pontificate on matter of abortion and contraception. Duets with his holiness on My old man's a dustman for forthcoming album An audience with Bono.
• Wednesday: En route to Bonn for summit meeting with Afghan warlords, rings President Bush to tell him that the cheque for Argentina's IMF loan repayment is 'in the post'. Drafts interim plan to end world hunger in two weeks. Pulls off ground-breaking power-sharing deal with Northern Alliance. Drinks in London's Met Bar with Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin. The three agree how much better a place the world is for music and art.
• Thursday: Bono intervenes personally when a neighbours cat gets stuck up a tree. While jetting to Moscow to reprimand President Putin on his country's mismanagement of the Kursk disaster, signs off on a deal to get every poor child in the world a signed U2 CD by June 2002.
• Friday: Bono delivers a stern lecture to the United Nations in New York on the matter of President Mugabe of Zimbabwe. Reaches agreement that Mugabe will be allowed to stay in power as long as he does a 20-minute acoustic set at the next September 11th memorial fundraising concert. Drinks in London's Met bar with a tearful Patsy Kensit. Sensibly decides against sex with her and jets home alone.
• Saturday: Throws television out of hotel window and drives Rolls Royce into swimming pool.
• Sunday: Church, then a quiet day with the family. All is well with the world.