Boffins expose prossie breast-based cocaine snorting as urban myth

Leading scientists claim to have proven clinically that snorting cocaine from a prostitute's breasts is technically unfeasible.

The £10 million, two-year study concludes that the contours of a woman's body, coupled to its natural organic pliability, render the successful chopping and inhalation of the class-A drug from a lady of the night's supine form "highly unlikely".

Pablo Escobar, one of the research team, told The Rockall Times: "We tested celebrities' claims to have snorted Bolivian marching powder from the surgically-enhanced assets of lap dancers, and found them groundless. Over two hundred women participated in the trials, and in not one case did the trial result in satisfactory stimulant delivery."

The fundamental problem lies with the traditional razor blade used to chop the drug into "lines". "I don't think I need to explain why a mirror or glass-topped coffee table is the preferred surface for this operation," noted Escobar.

The scientists' finding raise fundamental questions as to why stars continue to make such extravagant boasts. "We believe that it's just showing off," opined one media commentator. "Other studies have shown that eating your breakfast off a whore's torso is impossible - but that doesn't stop musicians repeatedly insisting that they do this on an almost daily basis."