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Scientists boast of 'fully functional' cigarette machine by 2050

British scientists have today announced that they will have perfected a "fully functional" cigarette vending machine by 2050. If true, the breakthrough will narrow the technological gap between Britain and Europe, where punters have been enjoying hassle-free vending for years.

Barnes Wallace, the head of the project research team, told The Rockall Times: "We're confident that we can conquer this Everest of engineering challenges." Wallace went on to warn, however, that smokers should not expect results overnight. "It could take years — decades even," he noted sombrely.

It is believed that the team has initially targetted key problem areas which have hitherto defeated generations of engineers.

Firstly, a panel of physicists will attempt to explain why exactly it is that a vending machine will randomly reject two of any four identical coins. A government-funded think-tank will then tackle the conundrum of how the machine, having accepted the coinage at the seventh attempt, will only allow the vending process to proceed in 23 per cent of cases, thereby forcing the user to reject the cash and begin the entire process again. Finally, huge teams of the UK's top engineers working in a continuous shift pattern will perfect a simple tray mechanism which permits the smooth egress of cigarette packets from the machine.

It is hoped that once these breakthroughs are achieved, machines capable of taking all denominations of coins and even of providing change may be built.

Critics of the project have dubbed the whole enterprise "an expensive farce", and some MPs have demanded to know why Britain cannot obtain its vending machines from the continent. "I was in Tenerife last Summer," said one opposition minister. "The hotel's cigarette machine took my money first time, dispensed some cigarettes, and then thanked me for my custom. In Spanish, naturally — that's what they speak over there."

Barnes Wallace dismisses this. "Oh dear, oh dear," he chuckled smugly. "I don't think it would be a good idea to be buying technology from abroad. I mean, have you seen the state of their railways?"

Smokers, meanwhile, have cautiously welcomed the announcement. "It's about fuc*king time," said one. "You'd think that a civilisation which has mapped the human genome and pushed back the boundaries of space exploration could sort out dispensing fags from a box on the fuc*king wall."

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