There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
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  Monday 24th December 2001  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Girls, have you had sex with a celebrity?

Find out for sure with our Tabloid Sex Verifier™
by Paparazzi O'Leery

We at The Rockall Times receive hundreds of emails every month from lap dancers and amateur models who claim to have had torrid sex with a celebrity. Naturally, we're sceptical. Celebrities are generally very busy and have little or no time available to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.

So, in order that correspondents can check whether they have actually engaged in carnal acts with a celebrity before taking up our valuable time, we have prepared this easy-to-use Tabloid Lust Verifier™.

The Verifier uses the nine key criteria which must be satisfied in order to qualify for a lucrative tabloid kiss-and-tell. Simply answer all of the questions below honestly, and our state-of-the-art back-end programming will instantly deliver its verdict. Good luck!

We met: In a nightclub
In a manner of speaking
In the kitchen
We ripped each each others' clothes off: In the cab
In the hall
After sex
We explored each others' bodies: For ages
Somewhat
Not at all
His physique was: Fantastic - it was clear he worked out a lot
In need of some attention
I'd rather not think about it thanks
I pleasured him: Orally
Euphemistically
Absent-mindedly
We made love: For seven months
Twice, with a break for sandwiches
Less than once
I felt fully satisfied: As a woman
As a general rule
With room service
Afterwards he told he'd: Send me tickets for his next concert
Call me a cab
Get back to creosoting the shed
And did he?: No

Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?