I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Argentina to raffle off presidency

Argentina will raffle off its presidency in a desperate bid to raise hard currency, we can reveal.

Interim President Adolfo Rodriguez Saa hopes that the national lottery style draw will both restore citizens' confidence in the democratic process and raise much-needed cash to service the country's $132 billion foreign debt.

The announcement comes at the end of two weeks of bloody rioting which left 27 dead. The civil unrest was provoked by severe austerity measures, including a presidential decree that any loose change found down the back of the sofa should be handed over at the nearest police station.

UK Prime minister Tony Blair immediately backed the raffle plan, and pledged the services of Supermarket Sweep presenter Dale Winton. The talented broadcaster will front a glittering evening of entertainment to reveal the winner.

It is understood that a crack team of A-list celebrities — including Steps and Claire Sweeney — are on 24-hour standby to fly into Buenos Aires. Fears that the military might oppose an incursion by British light entertainers into sovereign Argentine territory were allayed with confirmation that ex-Junta leader Galtieri would guest as "the voice of the balls".

An unusually sombre Winton last night appeared in an improvised live television broadcast in which he appealed for calm and ordered all military forces to remain in their barracks. He promised "sweeping economic reform, social justice, and the chance for your talented pet to win back las Malvinas for the motherland."

The Argentine state treasury has, meanwhile, drafted interim measures to shore up the ailing economy in the lead-up to the big draw. These include the introduction of several new currencies. "We aim to increase consumer choice by offering a monetary pick-and-mix," said one excited official. "We believe that past failures are a result of simply not having enough banknotes in circulation."

The new currencies are:

• The Escobar: Index-linked to the wholesale price of cocaine.
• The Gaucho: Pegged to the street value of a 100g tin of corned beef
• The General Belgrano: Directly proportional to morale in the Argentine navy
• The Port Stanley: Adjusted weekly according to the number of British servicemen stationed in the Falkland Islands.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘World News’ index page