Michael Schumacher exposed as automaton

German motor racing ace Michael Scumacher has been exposed as a robotic automaton and not the ice-cool Human Being the world had been led to believe.

A Formula One fan who sneaked into Italy's Monza circuit to see his hero practice pre-season was stunned when he witnessed Schumacher Senior's head being removed Worzel Gummidge-like by technical director Ross Brawn and replaced with another identical one.

The pictures were published the following week in Pronto! magazine, and Ferrari was forced to come clean over the automaton Schmacher.

The electronic doppelganger, it was revealed, was built by leading German android pioneer Dr Wolf Herzvig in the late 90s after the world champion became disaffected by the Formula One circus.

Schumacher - who agreed to speak to us from his £5 million retreat at Lake Como, Italy, when it became clear the game was up — said: "I gave up driving in 1997, it was all so pointless. You simply drove round in circles all the time, it got boring. That's when I approached Dr Herzvig who agreed to build the android for me. It only cost me $2,000,000 but has since made me 20 times that amount in salary payments and sponsorship deals."

However, Shumacher's devious scheme didn't go entirely to plan at first. He continued: "There were some slight teething problems when my android had a problem with a piezoelectric gyro and crashed during the race at Silverstone in 1999. I had to withdraw him and have Dr Herzvig replace one of his legs which broke off in the crash. For sure it wasn't easy explaining the mass of wires and circuitry to the ambulance crew."

Fans also began to query Schumacher's strange behaviour last season. "There was alot of press about how uninvolved I was — really negative. So when my other half won in Italy, I attended the press conference myself and made sure I wept a lot — that took the heat off me for the rest of the season."

Extremely short millionaire F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone commented: "It's outrageous that Michael should let a futuristic cyborg drive his car for him — but seeing as he drives for Ferarri that's okay."

Ferrari mechanics were also gobsmacked by the announcement, although they had their suspicions. One told us: "Now we know where all that oil went." Retired commentator Murray Walker, when told of the news, shouted: "AND... IT'S... SCHUMACHER!... SCHUMACHER LEADS, LEADS SCHUMACHER... WELL I NEVER!"

The revelation has sparked fears that several other "sportsmen" are also nothing more than anthropomorphic replicants. As we went to press, the WTA were said to be urgently trying to contact Tennis champion Pete Sampras, whilst Tiger Woods management company were unavailable for comment.