Blunkett introduces personal CCTV Bill

Home Secretary David Blunkett has introduced a new Bill into Parliament which he claims will stop all UK crime within three years.

The Individual Surveillance and Recognition Bill will extend the success of CCTV cameras, now covering 25 per cent of country, Blindgit told the Commons. If it becomes law, every UK citizen will be required to carry a small CCTV camera on their shoulder from the age of six.

Each camera will be monitored and recorded by the authorities in a new £4 billion complex in Hertfordshire. A locator and identification chip built into each camera will enable police to pinpoint every individual in the country, making any reported crime instantly solvable in 92 per cent of cases, a new report has said.

And to prevent criminals from removing their camera or disguising themselves, police will be given new powers of arrest and wider use of lethal force if anyone is caught without a camera attached or wearing a hat. The only exceptions to the rule will be politicians, the police themselves and rich people.

Not only will the new law make crime a thing of the past, but will actually make the government £2 billion annually in the sale of rights to You've been framed, Police, Camera, Action, Voyeuristic crash thrill posing as education and other such clip shows. This money could then be put towards hospitals or schools, Blunkett said, but will actually be spunked away by greedy civil servants.

However the Bill has met strong opposition from civil rights activists who have accused the government of "gross stupidity, arrogance, blinkedness and madness". In response, Blindgit pointed out that the new personal camera system would enable society to rid itself of paedophiles. Tabloid newspapers have taken up the baton. "Besides," said Blunkett. "Can't you see that anyone that disagrees with this legislation - or with me - is precisely the kind of person that we need to stamp down on. They are probably all junkies or murderers - even the judges."