Byers boasts of ‘greatest train system in Europe and Africa’

Beleaguered transport minister Stephen Byers has damned criticism that Britain has the worst rail network in Europe through the astonishing claim that the UK actually benefits from the BEST system both in Europe and Africa.

Byers made the incredible statement in a Channel 4 interview with Jon Slow last night. New figures, produced by his own department, made the case that Britain has in fact improved its system at a faster rate than any comparable country given the level of allowable investment and taking into account unavoidable social and economic changes.

Eschewing the usual methods of judging success such as the number of trains, those that run on time, the cost per mile of tickets, cleanliness and the number of people forced to stand up as "subjective and overly simplistic," Byers informed Slow: "While I appreciate many people are angry, the supposed state of the railways as portrayed in the press is just not backed up by these figures.

"If you look carefully at the situation you will see that not only has the Labour government pumped millions more investment into the network than the Conservative government but has also used that money more effectively."

Byers also asserted that it would have been necessary for the Conservative government to have recognised social changes back in 1993 if the current situation were to be improved. "It was only New Labour that recognised an increasing trend for people to drive to work. This, on the back of an increase in people willing to complain, has seen a disproportionate rise in perceptual ill-feeling."

Since it would have been worse under a Conservative government, Labour and Byers are not only exempt from criticism but they should be applauded for doing the best of a bad job, a spokesman for the transport minister told us later.

Byers also explained that he had dealt with Railtrack's collapse brilliantly, was supported by everyone in the country for taking a holiday when several train companies went on strike and had single-handedly saved more train crashes from happening by just being so wonderful and great.

Jon Slow - who is renowned for his extensive research and in-depth understanding of current affairs - appeared convinced by Mr Byers arguments, saying only: "Well, that all sounds fine then," before relaxing into a feature about some bullshi*t film that's coming out in a fortnight.

Commuters the next morning were not as sure however. Jack Strap, a clerical worker from Egham saw the interview and told us: "I find it incredible that he can get up there and talk absolute rubbish when millions of people experience delays every single day and pay through the nose for the pleasure." A City gentleman put it more succinctly when asked his opinion of Byers: "Wanker," he told The Rockall Times before standing in the same place for another 122 minutes until the train finally arrived.