I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Chelsea stars torch entire Vietnamese village

Several premiership footballers today face an FA disciplinary committee after a drunken night ended with the complete destruction of a Vietnamese village and the massacre of all its inhabitants.

The authorities are investigating the incident during which Jody Morris, 23, John Terry, 21, and Wimbledon's Desmond Byrne, 20, are alleged to have indulged in a two-hour frenzy of violence after an argument with a hotel receptionist turned to tragedy.

One eye-witness said: "It was incredible. One minute the players were simply indulging in the usual pre-match bender, the next they've armed themselves with semi-automatic weapons and Zippo lighters and have gone off in an orgy of mayhem and destruction."

While it is not yet clear what actually provoked the rampage, there are unconfirmed reports that the men may have found Arsenal memorabilia in one house and, suspecting that the entire population were Gooners, decided to simply raze the village to the ground.

Whatever the truth, the small hamlet is this morning nothing more than a few smouldering timbers and dismembered corpses. "One thing is certain," said one noted football pundit. "They're not laughing any more, are they?"

Investigators are further examining claims that Leeds United defender Jonathan Woodgate set fire to several thatched huts packed with women and children while two other Chelsea players, Frank Lampard and Eidur Gudjohnsen, drunkenly taunted the few grieving survivors.

A spokesman for Chelsea FC today told The Rockall Times: "We take this sort of behaviour very seriously. We're a family club and it's totally unacceptable for highly-paid professionals to be setting such an example to their young fans. The players will each be fined £5 and will not be allowed an orange at half time for the next three matches."

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sport’ index page