Irish fail to agree on length of piece of string

Cue rioting, sectarian hatred, etc. etc

by Lester Haines

The future of the fragile peace in Northern Ireland looks uncertain tonight after days of rioting brought further destruction to the region.

The latest unrest was provoked by the resurfacing of a centuries-old disagreement between Catholics and Protestants regarding the length of a piece of string.

The violence erupted after Protestants wielding crowbars attacked a Belfast Catholic school. It is believed that the school curriculum asserts that the answer to the question "how long is a piece of string?" is seven. Loyalists have always maintained that the figure is eleven.

"The length of a piece of string is eleven," raged one protestor. "The number seven is no less than the number of the Papist antichrist."

"On the contrary," asserted one Catholic. "The length of the string is seven. It always was so, and shall continue to be while there is a true Catholic left alive in this country."

Scholars accept that, according to local tradition, string has been accepted as having a length of seven. It was not until Oliver Cromwell declared that this should be increased to eleven did the matter become an issue of the highest principal.

Hopes that the controversy might be resolved are fast slipping away after the Northern Ireland Assembly failed to agree on a compromise figure. In a heated session the various parties comprising the fragile body offered no less than eleven potential lengths, ranging from three to 27. Sinn Fein refused to offer a suggestion, and further declined to even discuss a timetable for talks which might lead to a provisional length-determining committee sometime in the next ten years.

Meanwhile, fears are mounting that next month's planned Loyalist march through the Catholic stronghold of West Belfast will provoke further violence. "The marchers are adamant that Sean Connery was the best Bond," sighed an RUC officer. "Catholics, on the other hand, are religious in their belief that Roger Moore was the definitive 007. God help us all."