Youth steals phone

Last week I was summarily called to the editors' office here at The Rockall Times and asked — rather brusquely, as it happens — to investigate the alleged theft of some form of portable telephonic device.

Since I had at the time been working on a modest monogram on my major contribution to the advancement of cold fusion, I felt that the task would better be delegated to one of my subordinates.

The editors felt otherwise, and so it was that some thirty minutes later I found myself wandering the back alleys of a so-called "housing estate" where, I gather, people of lesser talents, or those who are too idle to put what modest talents they do possess to better use, spend their time indulging in every despicable vice at the expense of those of us who have applied their genius to the advancement of humanity, and in doing so have provided the exchequer with the funds necessary to support these base creatures.

I was reliably informed by my assistant that the device in question, which had been seized at gun-point from a 12-year-old, is now in common usage and enables the owner to make telephone calls without the need to be connected to the wall by a cable. Theft of such "mobiles" is, he continued, the fastest-growing crime in this troubled country of ours.

While I was pondering whether it might not have been better therefore to leave the telephone safely secured to the wall by its cable, we were approached by a rancid youth who, on production of a knife, demanded monies and any other portable goods that we might have had about our persons.

As my regular readers will know, I felt no fear at this audacious threat. Indeed, I was suddenly reminded of my days in the Far Eastern bureau when, as a junior reporter of shining potential, I alone was selected to report on the coronation of King Syanara III, absolute monarch of the beautiful island of Mai Lai.

Upon our first meeting, the King Syanara and I struck up an immediate and lifelong friendship. Indeed, he still writes regularly to gratefully thank me for the parcels without which his long imprisonment would doubtless be intolerable. Dave, as I am honoured to be allowed to address his imperial bountifulness, was a man of quick wit and cheeky smile who recognised in me all that is great and good in mankind.

I soon became his trusted companion, and together we roamed the length and breadth of his tropical domain. His majesty enjoyed the fawning adoration of his humble subjects and I, by association, enjoyed the same attention.

But why, we must ask ourselves, is there always trouble in paradise? Mai Lai, sadly, had become infected with the disease of republicanism - no doubt as a result of contact with Americans who brought nothing but hard currency and liberal sensibilities.

Once a week the king held court during which he arbitrated in disputes and dispensed summary justice. During one such session, a young man was delivered in chains to the palace. His crime, we were informed, had been to steal a small number of Kiwi fruit to feed his eleven illegitimate children. But, despite the severity of the offence, the man showed no remorse. Instead, he spat on the polished coral floor of the chamber and shouted "Long live the republic!" before an astonished assembly.

The king thought for a moment before turning to me. "I have no experience of such matters, Sikorski san," he muttered gravely. "I must call upon your wisdom to deliver a just punishment." He then vacated his throne of beaten gold and indicated that I should take his place.

I pondered the matter for several minutes. I then declared that the man be released and sent back to his people with the message that Syanara III was a man of mercy who permitted constructive political debate. Then, as the prisoner turned to leave, I had a change of heart. What began as a few exotic fruit would end in insurrection. This was now clear to me.

I therefore decreed that the man be staked out on the beach at low tide, that his eyelids be cut off and his severed virile member be placed in his mouth. He was to remain there until the sand crabs and the waves had eradicated all trace of his miserable existence.

Later that evening, during a jovial supper, the king informed me that he would henceforth adopt my ingenious punishment for all crimes, except minor traffic offences. He subsequently did, and for ten years Mai Lai boasted the lowest re-offender rate anywhere in the world.

It must be said that this cautionary tale had little effect upon our knife-toting youth who took violent exception to the monologue and advanced upon us with fury. I avoided serious injury only by positioning my assistant between myself and the weapon and, with deft footwork, making good my escape to a location from which I might safely call for assistance. My colleague is tonight keeping his spirits up, despite being "critical but stable".

The stolen telephone in question was a Nokia 7110 with WAP capability. Local police have set up speed traps on every road in the area in the hope of catching the thief.

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Council unveils bench
Woman has baby