Congo volcano catastrophe — nobody important affected

British aid workers in Rwanda have confirmed that the eruption of Mount Nyiragongo in neighbouring Congo, despite having killed 45 locals and wiped out the town of Goma, has so far claimed no westerners or mountain gorillas.

Early reports that one Australian back-packer caught in the disaster had suffered a nasty Achilles tendon injury escaping from the floods of lava spewing from the volcano were later proved false. "He only twisted his ankle," said a concerned doctor. "He'll be fine after a couple of beers."

While hundreds of thousands of panic-stricken Congolese continue to flood over the border into Rwanda, the US administration confirmed that it had withdrawn an earlier offer of military support. "Initial reports indicated al-Qaeda involvement in the eruption," one spokesman told The Rockall Times. "But when we found out that it was just a natural phenomenon and that democracy was not threatened, we kinda lost interest."

Meanwhile, British support teams are expected in the Rwandan capital Kigali tonight. They will offer counselling to any westerner caught within 500 miles of the disaster who might be suffering emotional damage as a result of their close encounter with death.