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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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World stops spinning as pop star unveils new look

The world stopped turning today for 14 minutes as pop star Lucy unveiled her new look and a fabulous new single - a cover of Jimi Hendrix's classic Foxy Lady.

The wonderful star, who is married to footballing legend George Lanson, stunned reporters when she appeared at the launch wearing a fantastic gingham creation by Alexander McQueen.

She was immediately inundated by questions about her new image. Sporting designer frizzy hair, Lucy explained that an intensive yoga, martial art and exercise routine, combined with her own tailored diet of one apple and half a raisin each day was behind her stunning look.

The one-piece dress showed off her fabulous new body to an adoring public. Gone is the six stone of her earlier, chubby years and now she weighs an amazing four stone, her breasts are exquisitely petite and her collar and hip bones stick out as an erotic testimony to womanhood.

An expert predicted soaring sales of noir make-up as teenage girls attempt to copy her sunken black eyes and plastic surgeons have reported huge interest in cheek liposuction.

Reporters were then treated to an exclusive listen to her modern reworking of Foxy Lady. In it, the legendary guitar riff has been sampled and plays continually over an out-of-step dance bass line. Lucy then sings the two words "foxy lady" beautifully out of tune for three minutes.

Critics were unanimous in their praise. "A wonderfully strained performance," said one. "She has created yet another classic pop song," said another. "It's a definite number one," record boss Jeff Tumescence enthused, "I've already seen to it." The song - to be played exclusively on Radio One at 5.45pm this Tuesday - will be released on 14 August.