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Government to publish heart surgery ‘league table of death’

The government has announced that it will lift the veil of secrecy surrounding heart operation success rates.

Health secretary Alan Milburn last week revealed plans for a 'league table of death' which will for the first time enable patients to accurately predict their chances of surviving an encounter with the NHS. "It's a bit like the Premiership," enthused one hospital manager. "But with body bags instead of goals."

Government sources are, however, stressing that the league is "just a bit of fun", and that patients should not expect to live longer as a result. "Oh no," laughed one spokesman, "you won't be able to pick a surgeon with a better survival rate. It's just to allow families to make the necessary arrangements before an operation. You know, whether to buy a get-well-soon card or a coffin - that sort of thing."

Surgeons have welcomed the initiative, and are said to be particularly excited by the chance of participating in a European "superleague" next season. "It gives you something to talk about apart from golf," chortled one.

Last season's results

1. Mengele FC — 7326
2. Shipman Rovers — 621
3. Bristol Royal Infirmary — 29

Relegated

• Christian Barnard Albion — 3

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