UK soaps in Taliban voodoo necrophilia plotline sensation

British soaps are set to unveil their most audacious plotlines ever, we can reveal. In a bid to boost ratings, television companies have given the green light to sensational plot twists which will shock regular viewers.

Ailing Mancunian product Coronation Street is thought to have provoked the battle with the announcement that Stan Ogden will be resurrected by Mike Baldwin in a depraved Haitian voodoo ritual. The cast are reported to have bitten the heads off an incredible 200 chickens during filming at at a secret moorland location. The reanimated Stan, originally played by Bernard Youens, will reprise his legendary role by sitting motionless in an armchair for seven years while his dinner is brought to him on a tray.

While many will welcome Corrie's return to core values, it's unlikely that Ogden's return from the dead will cause many sleepless nights at the BBC. For Albert Square will shortly fall under Islamic fundamentalist rule as Taliban forces sweep to power in Walford. Under their brutal regime, Eastenders cast and crew will come to terms for the first time to life under the oppressive heel of fanatical extremism. And, in scenes guaranteed to provoke widespread tabloid hysteria, ranting Mullahs pump Melanie Healey full of bullets for refusing to wear the burqa, flog Peggy Mitchell under revised licensing laws and hang actor Dean Gaffney from a lamppost for "not being able to act on any level whatsoever".

But it is in Emmerdale that producers are planning their most outrageous rating coup. For the first time in soapdom, a principal character will sign a pact with devil as wheelchair-bound Christopher Tate forges a Mephistophelean pact, regains the ability to walk and, with the aid of his slave army of lusty vampire bitches, wreaks terrible and bloody revenge on those who have wronged him. In an orgy of necrophilia, ritual sacrifice and sex with farmyard animals, Tate becomes dark master of Beckindale until Satan himself returns to claim his soul in a Christmas eve feature-length special.

Insiders have, however, dismissed speculation that both Tate and the Lord of the Flies would be cast down into the eternal fires of hell when an airliner crashes into the village on New Year's Eve. "Don't be bloody ridiculous," snorted one. "Not even a UK soap audience is stupid enough to believe that."