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Man's 11-inch penis is just car substitute, claim friends

A London man whose 11-inch penis has gained him many admirers among the female sex is nothing more than "a sad inadequate" who compensates for his inability to acquire a prestige motor vehicle by "continually boasting" of his sexual conquests while continuing to drive a second-hand Lada estate, say his friends.

"It's pathetic," said a drinking buddy of well-endowed Bob Matthews, 23. "All we ever hear is 'I gave this bird the full eleven inches', or 'she couldn't wait to get her laughing gear round the 11-incher'. The fact is, everybody knows that it took Bob three attempts to pass his driving test. Then he bought a Triumph Herald before moving on to the bloody Lada. What he really wants is a BMW, and that's why we have to put up with his continual bragging."

A leading psychiatrist confirmed this analysis, noting: "In a society where social standing is measured by possessions, failure to obtain an impressive form of transport may result in deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Although Bob is exceptionally gifted in the trouser department, it's clear that this cannot compensate for his failure to acquire the car of his dreams."

Bob strongly refutes the allegations. "When you're hung like a horse, women don't care what sort of car you drive," he told The Rockall Times. "But when I win the lottery and get that fuc*k-off red Ferrari, then I'll be able to pull some real class totty."

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