China is shining beacon of democracy, says man clutching enormous export contract

The managing director of a British manufacturing company has declared China a "shining beacon of democracy". Ronald Suit, 51, made the statement shortly after signing a £5 million export contract with the Beijing authorities. Mr Suit's company, Tilbury Injection Mouldings, will supply 20,000 plastic covers for tank gun barrels.

"It's a great day for us, and a great day for Tilbury," gushed Suit. "This will safeguard jobs for the next five years."

The British government has applauded the company's efforts in opening up the Chinese export market. "Now that we're united with Beijing in the War on Terror™," noted one minister, "there are lucrative contracts to be won in the burgeoning far-eastern market."

And, despite misgivings in several quarters about doing business with the Chinese, both Mr Suit and the government have said that they are "entirely satisfied" with China's human rights record.

"Yeah, I heard the record. It's great," enthused Suit. "I'd rather my kids listened to that than some of this so-called 'dance music'." When asked if he had not perhaps misunderstood the question, Suit replied: "No, I've got all of the Human Rights' albums. It's good family entertainment."

When further challenged as to whether he was acquainted with Tiananmen Square, Suit seemed confused: "Never heard of it mate. It's not a refreshing blend of vodka and Red Bull, is it?"

But on the subject of Tibet, Mr Suit seemed more sure of his facts: "Oh yes, that's the place where that the Daily Llama and his mates terrorised the population for years until the Chinese went in and liberated the place. Good job too."