Pugilists disgrace boxing with public brawl

The already sullied image of boxing was further tarnished after Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis exchanged blows at the press conference to announce their 6 April world heavyweight title bout.

The disgraceful scenes, during which several grown men hit each other in front of a cheering crowd, will doubtless sicken those fans who enjoy boxing as a civilised sport in which grown men hit each other in front of a cheering crowd. "It's disgusting," snorted one pundit. "This sort of uncontrolled aggression has no place in boxing."

Tyson is reported to have offered a form of apology, saying: "From now on I'll let my boxing do the talking." An expert noted: "That's just as well. If the fight comes off, his mouth will most likely be full of Lewis's ears."

Doubt
Those close to the action, however, now doubt whether the fight will ever take place. Art Mahoney, of Nevada Sports Illustrated, commented through clenched teeth: "This time Tyson's gone too far. Raping women is one thing, but only a complete maniac starts a fight without money changing hands."

Harry "Fast Hands" Findelater, ex-middleweight contender and now sports columnist for the Washington Post, drawled: "Yeah, Big Mike's lost it. He's a spent force. I remember the time the mere sight of Tyson entering a ring would have put cold shivers up your back - now you've already seen the fight at the press conference. Very sad. Kinda anti-climactic."

Spaniel
Dr Julian Tightlaced, who checked Lewis out after the fracas, said he was uninjured "except for a nasty nip on his left lower leg. It looked like a spaniel had had a go at him, I saw the result of that once, and it looked rather similar. Quite nasty looking, but a little dab of Dettol should fix it. I offered him a note for a week off, but he just looked at me. Like this." He added that the spaniel had been put down, but wouldn't be drawn on whether he thought the same should apply to Tyson.

Licence to Kill
The fundamental question now is whether Tyson will even be awarded a boxing licence in time for the big fight. A spokesman for the Nevada Boxing Commission would only comment, off the record, that he personally wouldn't sanction him getting a fishing licence after his impromptu performance. As to whether he thought Tyson unbalanced, the spokesman said: "He's nutty as a fruitcake, fuc*kin' deranged, and if you quote me on that you're gonna wake up dead in the desert, you sonofabitch, you got that, huh?"

Café latte
Lewis himself, quietly-spoken and introspective chess grand master that he is, would say only that "I think Mike got a little agitated back there. There'd been a delay, and also one or two photographers caused some flashing light effects, which some people can find very upsetting, specially if the lights are on but nobody's home. I'm sure he didn't mean it, he's basically a decent guy, and he loves his pigeons".

Lewis left the scene of the affray with a male friend, not gay as has been suggested, but a ring tactics advisor. They were seen later enjoying a café latte at a quiet little bistro, Lewis's manly features crinkling with laughter lines as he enjoyed some relaxing repartee with his handsome Latino companion.