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Jap boffins to cross pig with cucumber and then accelerate it to Mach 7

Japanese scientists have announced their intention to insert cucumber DNA into a pig embryo, we can reveal.

The experiment comes hot on the heels of scientists successfully grafting genetic material from spinach into a pig. This was the first time that a plant had been crossed with an animal, although the point of that operation remains unclear.

Be that as it may, geneticists now intend to go one stage further. Once they have created a viable cucumber/pig hybrid, they will accelerate the beast to Mach 7 (roughly 5,250mph) using an advanced turbineless "scramjet" engine.

Reaction from the world's scientific community has been one of incredulity mixed with admiration. "This is research science at its purest," said one leading rocket expert. "The general public might question the validity of a hypersonic cucumber-pig, but the academic benefits will be immense. It's another step towards solving world hunger and the colonisation of other worlds."

However, some authorities have dismissed the proposal as frivolous. A spokesman for Russia's high-velocity root vegetable programme told The Rockall Times: "Sadly, our experiments show that grafted vegetable DNA suffers terminal molecular damage at speeds above Mach 3. It's a great disappointment, since we'd hoped to be the first to get a cross between a border collie and a potato into space. We have, nevertheless, produced a bottle of vodka that brings you your slippers when you whistle."

Whether or not the Japanese realise their dream, people can sleep soundly in their beds safe in the knowledge that the inexorable march of progress towards a brighter future goes on.

Other notable Japanese scientific experiments:

• Testing the effects of a harpoon on the body of a whale
• Testing the effects of whale meat on the human digestive system
• Testing the effects on the human body of crashing an aircraft into a warship

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