I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Prescott politics quit shocker stuns punters

John Prescott has stunned the world of politics with the news that he will quit at the next general election, leaving the position of deputy prime minister and tongue-tied bruiser open.

Of course, in that really irritating way in which politicians never say anything for definite and information only comes from sources close to people, Prescott has made some vague statement about his "intention" to stand next time but that's all bollocks and the fat northern bastard will be off, sources close to Westminster Bridge told The Rockall Times.

Although Prescott got the deputy prime ministership only so that Tony Blair could sidle in with Old Labour credentials, he has impressed observers with his 10-inch wit and ready fists. In an age when politicians are slick and media trained, Prescott was a breath of fresh with his mumbling incoherence and "hands-on" approach to dealing with disgruntled voters. He never shied away from saying something that would cause offence when more subtle approaches would only have fostered trust and understanding.

Having applied his extensive talents to tackling the foot and mouth crisis and the collapse of the UK transport system, Prescott further enhanced his repuatation among politicians by failing to make the deputy prime ministership anything more than a courtesy title. And by becoming a working man's version of trained-killer-turned-politician Paddy Ashdown, his respect both in the House of Commons and among the public at large is unlikely to be surpassed by any successor. Prescott will retain one of the two Jaguars he uses for government work and is known to want to spend more time with his wife's haircut.

Meanwhile a vicious battle has broken out among senior ministers, keen to get the deputy PM job and so spend a little bit more time with President Tony. So far though, insiders tell us, no one has measured up to the task.

Robin Cook is too small and cunning like; Tessa Jowell has a glass jaw; Patricia Hewitt is a broadsheet-reading southern yuppie; Stephen Byers could — and does — lie for England; Jack Straw's a wanker and David Blunkett — well, he's blind isn't he?

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Politics’ index page