I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Wenger takes top spot in Premiership bullshi*t league

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has stormed to the top of the Premiership bullshi*t League, eclipsing rivals and threatening to take the title as the season winds up.

In a mid-week match against Blackburn, Wenger sensationally snapped the top spot when he put the blame for his team's appalling 11 red cards this season on the small size of the pitch. And now he has extended that lead by accusing refs of being boring and making English football "soft".

In a darting run on Wednesday, Wenger swerved past Logic, chipped the ball over Facts and blasted the bull past Commonsense to put his three points clear of five-times winner and current title holder Alex Ferguson. Fergie was said to be furious, although whether it was over Wenger's late goal or anything else at all it's impossible to tell.

Wenger started the season in middling form, blaming his poor results and terrible disciplinary record on the referees, while Ferguson steamed ahead by blaming the fans, the TV, the noise and lack of noise and The Flumps. However at the start of the New Year, Arsenal found its form and Wenger suggested the introduction of It's A Knockout-style joker cards for managers which they can use during matches to stop play and ask for an instant video replay of controversial decisions.

That was enough to bring Wenger within sight of the title and now it's a four-horse race between Ferguson (Manchester United), Wenger (Arsenal), David O'Leary (Leeds) and Phil Thompson (Liverpool).

O'Leary led the league at one point having denied the release of his book was to coincide with the end of the trial for his lying, violent, racist footballers who were accused of beating a Pakistani student within an inch of his life. He could still win if he creates an elaborate media circus around Bowyer and Woodgate. Or he may sneak through by continuing to tell other managers and the FA where they are going wrong.

And also in contention is Phil Thompson, riding on the back of Gerard Houllier's ill health following a heart attach earlier in the season. With the news that Houllier is unable to return until at least March, Thompson may be able to storm ahead thanks to not having to take any blame for decisions like letting one of the best strikers in the country move to Leeds.

But only a fool would rule out a Fergie comeback. With the manager due to retire, he is capable of almost anything to end his career on a high note. Tabloid hacks' pencils are sharpened.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sport’ index page