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Headlines Like This Really Get On Our Fuc*king Tits, Say Man, Wife, Uncle, Tom, Cobley, All

A Basingstoke man has launched an astonishing attack on internet satire sites' propensity for writing headlines with every word capitalised.

Speaking at a press conference in the town's multi-storey car park, Tom Pearce, 51, raged against what he sees as the "destruction of the English language which is the birthright of every true Englishman."

Surrounded by irate relatives, and comforted on several occasions by his wife, Pearce placed the blame firmly on the doorstep of the US. "This is just another example of American-led globalisation," he fumed. "It's not enough that every time we turn on the television we see an angst-ridden Calista Flockhart wrestling with the emotional turmoil caused by her failed relationships. Or that the only thing our kids want to eat is a burger, fries and shake to go.

"No, now even the bitter irony and world-weary cynicism which allowed British satire to exercise dominion over one third of the known world has been polluted by US-style sub-editing."

Linguistic experts confirm this trend, but point out that Mr Pearce may be missing the point. "The use of capitalisation in headlines is a growing trend among UK satirists," one told The Rockall Times. "It's a very clever way of making a story seem funnier than it actually is. Plus, you get the added bonus of people thinking that you're a US site — a distinct advantage given that American satire is years ahead of its British counterpart."

Mr Pearce's campaign seems doomed to failure. If we are compete in the global comedy market, UK websites will have to embrace the linguistic realities, or face extinction.

Next week

UK Websites Take Ax To US Capitalization, Style

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