Dubya unveils new world freedom index

President Dubya has unveiled his latest plans to quench terrorism and make the world a safer place — a world freedom index.

The unsurprisingly simple plan will index link the rest of the world's freedom to the United States' Gross Domestic Product. In good years, countries will be allowed to enact their own laws and customs but in a depression, governments will be put under the direct control of the Pentagon and forced to wave the stars and strips.

"It is essential that we implement my world freedom index if we are to make this world a safer place for me to live," Dubya said at a press conference to announce the brilliant plan. "Without it, we risk slipping into anarchy and wholesale destitution as maniacs throughout the world react violently to our global implementation of US-style democracy."

Any country that refuses to follow the carefully-prepared plan to help prevent the slaughter of innocent Americans will earn their own civilians a visit by the US air force, Dubya explained. "If you're not with us, you're against us," he said.

Although the scheme has earned Dubya plaudits across the US, it has drawn furious criticism from outside. "We are extremely disappointed with Mr Dubya's stance on the rest of the world," British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw told the BBC. "But if he insists on it, we'll just keeping kissing his arse."

Although Israeli leader Ariel Sharon was said to be pleased with the plan — which includes an Israeli opt-out for the deployment of tanks against stone-throwing youths — the leaders of Middle East countries were vocal in their opposition.

Iran's official spokesman went on a bit, as is the local custom, but essentially said "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" and Saddam Hussein's response was to videotape himself shooting an effigy of Dubya with an AK47 while armed soldiers watched on smiling. Osama bin Laden was unavailable for comment.

Dubya himself gave no quarter to criticism of his plans. Although it has been confirmed the President has seen maps of the world, he remains determined to redraw it with the US much much bigger than these other places, an insider told The Rockall Times..

In response to a probing question regarding the supply of weapons to the very countries they plan to take over, the widely-admired statesman pronounced: "I can do any fuc*king thing I want. I am the goddamn president of the goddamn United States (God bless America). Goddamn it I'm a damn God. Now where's that cheque from the oil company?"