Furious Wenger demands nine-day week

Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger has angrily demanded that the entire world revert to the ancient Sumerian calendar which would give his team an extra TWO DAYS a week to fulfil their lucrative fixtures.

The fractious Frenchman insists that this is the only way that his exhausted squad will stand any chance of meeting their shareholders' expectations in the current financial year.

While Wenger conceded that the move would cause chaos around the world and force billions into a seven-day working week, he was unrepentant. "I'm sorry, but Arsenal's title ambitions must take precedence," he told The Rockall Times.

Meanwhile, his Manchester United counterpart Sir Alex Ferguson, is said to be "apoplectic" at the announcement. It is already widely known that Sir Alex is lobbying the FA for adoption of the Aztec calendar, as well as for removal of Saturn from the solar system. "He believes that the gravitational influence of the ringed giant has caused some controversial refereeing decisions to go against his team," noted one FA official. "And let's face it, it's decisions like those at this critical point of the season which can cost a team that vital European spot."

Incredibly, the row has today threatened to become bitterer still after U2 frontman Bono presented his own demand for a new calendar based on that of Africa's ancient Dogon tribe. Their year is an incredible 732 days long, and would enable the roving pop pundit to increase his annual output of pompous political declarations by up to 125 PER CENT.