Rowan Raunchbitch’s torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

Last week I rather fell out again with my old adversary Tory MP Toby Rubpubbly. We were guesting together on a late-night Channel 4 discussion forum Buggery is a batty-boy bang thang.

Readers might imagine Rubpubbly's stance on the venerable art of uphill gardening, and he wasted no time in berating me for a recent article in The Erotic Digest in which our homosexual correspondent Thor Hungstallion extolled — at some length — the virtues of the tradesman's entrance.

I must admit that Hungstallion's highly technical account of cheek spreading and KY jelly was a revelation to even my battled-hardened staff. Apart, that is, from young Gemma, who confided that she offered her boyfriend access to her "little man" whenever the main atrium was otherwise occupied by the painters.

And, according to Gemma, few of her friends have not already gained their "brown wings". Buggery, it appears, is the sexual equivalent of the flat-pack wardrobe — every Saturday morning your boyfriend takes it out of the box, finds that nothing fits and leaves you in a flood of tears.

So, in reply to Gemma's probing as to how long I intended to remain a "chocolate virgin", I would like to state the following shocking fact: I don't do anal. Not bloody likely.

It does, I admit, have a certain animalistic sexual appeal. A close friend described the experience as "only mildly painful", adding that she had cried "for only about five minutes" after the deed was done.

And who can deny the male homosexual the pleasures of the chocolate starfish? After all, God did not bless the left-footer with his full compliment of orifices; it's a case of any port in a storm.

I'll be frank. To we women the tradesman's entrance is something through which you put out the rubbish. It is not a portal for sweaty, hairy-arsed builders and their tools. And what, I might add, is wrong with allowing your partner weekly access to your inner sanctum through a hole in a sheet while you lie back quietly and wait for his hideously empurpled member to discharge its load of man-juice? It works for me.

Rowan Raunchbitch is Editor of The Erotic Digest

Next month: A trip to the island of Lesbos