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Online cigarette ban causes furore

Smoking is to be banned from all Internet chatrooms, websites and on Usenet from 1 May, we have learned.

The news comes as people grow increasingly concerned at the attempt of Americans to impose their values on the World Wide Web.

Protests have been trickling in at the rate of over one a week to Internet Service Providers as news spread like spaniel gas across the online community. "I might have to give up," protested Terry Allsort of pro-smoking group Ironic Lung. "Whose stupid bloody idea was this?"

Dr India Sickafoose, Regus Professor of Applied Make-up at Stanford University applauded the move, saying that it was about time that late night porn-surfers woke up to the reality of virtual tar. "Like, rilly," she stated firmly. "These people have been just, like, lighting up cigarettes without any regard for the health of lurkers and chat-room participants. It's so, like, gross." Quoting a study yet to be completed, Dr Sickafoose added: "There's, like, research and stuff."

A spokesman for the Department of Health confirmed that the UK government didn't give a shi*t one way or the other, as long as people weren't emailing each other pouches of tobacco, a practice made popular in Scandinavian countries before the slots in the computers got smaller. "Finland lost over six million pounds in excise duty in 1986 due to the practice of fag-mailing," pointed out a senior official. "There's not much to do up there, you see, 'cept smoke. And masturbate, of course. And that's tax-deductible in Norse countries. "

Mr Allsort immediately confirmed that Ironic Lung would press for a public enquiry. "It's the thin end of the wedge," he claimed. "We'll mobilise the entire Internet against this repressive legislation. If we get enough people, manufacturers might provide an ashtray as standard issue with new computers."

Microsoft officials were unavailable for comment last night but analysts noted a sharp rise in Waterford Crystal shares. But that's Bill for you.

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