I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Woman has sex with man despite inadequate kitchen

A Basingstoke woman has admitted that she indulged in full sex with a man despite the fact that his kitchen is more than THREE YEARS OLD.

Pretty Shannon Macpherson, 23, enjoyed a night of frantic coupling with scaffolder's mate Joseph Gibbons, 25, much to the horror of her friends and family. Those opposed to the union have cited a catalogue of outrages, including UNPAINTED PLASTERWORK on Gibbons' hallway ceiling, MILDEW-STAINED grouting in the bathroom and a COMPLETE LACK of adequate soft furnishings.

Macpherson's sister told The Rockall Times: "This Gibbons just doesn't seem to care what people think. None of his crockery matches and Shannon told me that he'd NEVER bought any kitchen roll in his life."

Macpherson's family has issued her with an ultimatum: Gibbons either buys a nice house on the new local housing estate or the fornication must stop. "My daughter was brought up to expect the best," shouted her father angrily. "And that includes a permanent supply of fancy biscuits and some nice doilies to put them on."

Gibbons seems shocked and confused by the furore. "I don't understand what all the fuss is about," he told us. "I just can't see that the material condition of a man's property dictates his suitability as a partner."

Experts disagree. "That's exactly what dictates his suitability," noted one authority on interior decor. "In prehistoric times a male might well have impressed a potential mate by presenting her with food. Modern man, on the other hand, must prove that he has the means to obtain a sofa and fitted wardrobes. Only then will her family allow the female to become sexually receptive and willing to bear offspring."

Shannon, however, seems not to be a very typical modern female. She claims to be "very fond" of her lover and has insisted that she "will definitely indulge in further acts of lovemaking" whether or not he buys a new living room carpet.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page