Camp X-Ray Britons to get minimum income guarantee

A party from the Benefits Agency has flown out to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to help the British suspected terrorists held there apply for state benefits.

As well as application forms and procedure manuals, the Benefits Agency staff have taken fabric samples to enable the men to choose soft furnishings for the free housing that will await them on their return to the UK. Brochures will be available for the lads to choose their courtesy cars, but it is understood that they will have a limited choice of colour and that metallic finishes are definitely out.

"After all," said a spokesperson for the agency, "we need to show that we’re not a soft touch. Furthermore, they will be encouraged to select a model from a European manufacturer and support British jobs. This is not an easy option. We’re under a lot of pressure to get this done quickly as benefits can only be backdated three months and we don’t want these people to lose out."

Tony Blair, speaking from the mid-Pacific where he is currently fighting the War to Save the Whale™, said that the Benefits team would be followed by retraining specialists from the Department of Education and Employment who will help the men acquire new skills and get back into the world of work. "Education, education, education," asserted Blair. "This would never have happened under the Tories, and there will be no return to boom and bust under this administration."

Jack Straw, the foreign secretary, confirmed that under English law, all men are innocent until proven guilty, and if proven guilty they have even more rights than before. "These men," he said, "are British citizens and entitled to minimum income guarantee, housing benefit, free cars, urgent medical treatment and all the other things that normal law-abiding taxpayers can’t get. It’s good for Britain, good for British jobs."

One of the British captives, who cannot be named since his surname contains no vowels at all said: "I spit on the infidel. Death to Tony Blair and George Bush. Where do I sign?"