Aussie PM exposed in trouser-snake tugging furore

The Australian Federal Parliament has today ordered an enquiry after woman journalist Miss Felicity Drinkwater claimed to have seen prime minister John Howerd's penis at a press conference.

"He had it in his hand," she said, "and the dirty bastard was feeding the ducks. It was poking right out of his molies and he was giving it the hard stroke."

Ms Drinkwater's comments came after Mr Howerd spoke to a packed meeting of journalists about the fake story of refugees eating their own children after sewing their lips together. Many now claim it was only this that won the last election for Mr Howerd.

"I'm not going to let them back-door us," said Mr Howerd at the conference. "I will stand erect, turn them around and let them feel the strength of our conviction."

But according to Ms Drinkwater the prime minister had another reason for the smile on his face.

"I reckon the underneath of that desk really copped a drenching," she said. "He was flat out like a lizard drinking. He looked like he was trying to shine the dags off a snake's arse."

A spokesman for the prime minister's office said: "We are confident that Mr Howerd is well equipped to deal with any questions that his private parts might raise."

Top Sydney church officials had differing views on the subject. Anglican Bishop for the see of Woolamalloo, the Very Reverend John Thomas, said today that masturbation was a healthy release of tensions. "It's good to get it out of your system and after you've finished maybe you can think less distractedly about God and what He means to you in a modern, sexy world."

For the Roman Catholic Church, however, Father Spike Porter said: "It's a sin. To put your hand on it like that and move it up and down when it's hard is a sin. Prime minister or not, a fellow should leave his little man alone."

The prime minister's exposure comes at a very difficult time as he is trying to play down allegations that the governor-general was at the centre of a child porn ring. Mr Peter Hollingworth has been trying to strengthen his ties with youth and children's charities despite public outcry on the matter of his sexual orientation.

A spokesman from a major charity group dealing with abuse said today, "It's disgusting what this man has done to children all over Australia. I've heard that he drinks heavily, then takes drugs, then has sex with minors, then breaks down and cries and defecates himself. Then I'm told he has sex with more minors, takes more drugs and laughs uncontrollably the whole time. And he's supposed to be representing the queen as head of state in this country. It's just disgusting."

A spokesman for the governor-general said today that he was planning on spending more time with his family.