Blunkett unleashes blitz on street crime

In the wake of the successful initiative urging victims of carjacking to hand over their car keys, David Blunkett will today roll out a tough new stance on street crime.

"The public must be proactive in this, and hand over their money before they get threatened," said Blindgit. "It’s no good expecting the police to intervene."

Leaflets outlining the new hardline approach will be distributed at all hospital casualty departments. In them, three basic rules for countering crime are laid out:

1. Never go on to the street in groups off less than twenty
2. If you see a stranger, hand over all your money and bankcards. [A space is provided on the leaflet to write down your PIN numbers to make it easier for the potential assailant to withdraw your cash]
3. When handing over your house keys, be sure to give detailed directions to your house. A thief who thinks you are cooperating is less likely to be violent.

On a cautionary note, the leaflets warn members of the public that walking about in groups of three or more will render them liable to arrest on a number of counts, provided they are peaceable, unarmed, law-abiding and middle-aged or elderly. EU Human Right laws ruthlessly protect the right of a suspected criminal to go about his business unhindered, and any easy target who thinks otherwise will soon find himself behind bars.

The Prime Minister, speaking from outside Britain where he is waging his War against Facing up to Problems™, said: "Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime! Anyone refusing to follow government advice and appease potential criminals is directly responsible for violent crime and will be punished. You won’t get action like this from the Tories. This government is all for easy targets, but there comes a point where we must make a stand! There will be Peace in our Time!"

The head of a major high street retail chain said that in line with government policy, his staff would help shoplifting gangs to wheel out racks of clothing from its major stores, and provide vans to help speed their getaway. This would save them time and inconvenience, and lessen their chances of becoming violent.

"It’s the old people that give me most problems," he explained. "But rest assured that any absent-minded old lady who is not quick enough to pay for her shopping will feel the full force of the law."

"After all," he added, "I used to share a flat with Tony Blair and I can see that his policies are good for Britain. You must excuse me now as I’m due at the House of Lords."

The Conservative leader, who cannot be named as he is entirely unmemorable, commented: "This is a national scandal. Why does Labour always steal our policies? I can appease as well as the next man. Anyone would think Neville Chamberlain used to be in the Labour party."

A police spokesman said that he would like to help, but had to rush off and complete his paperwork in time for his weekly assessment of competence. "I nicked a villain once," he said, "but I don’t have time for that now. We don’t get out much."